Growing up in a place like this might bring out certain traits in you, the instinct to survive, the desire for success and to always remain competitive among your peers. People are always comparing here, from grades when we were young, schools that we go to, salaries that we earn, size of house we stay in, places we go for holiday and etc. So I wonder sometimes, whether these materialistic gains and measures of success adds up to our meaning in life? I might be naive and maybe foolish to think otherwise, but I'm sure I'm not alone.
Have our society and education system been churning out minds out of molds? Personally I felt like I did came out of one, being born in a not too well to do family, I was told that studying hard was the key to everything. I didn't really pondered too much in other aspects of my life at a younger age, I just grow up thinking that education was everything, to do well in exams is the only worry in life. A good PSLE will give me a good place in secondary school and a good O' levels will get me a good place in Junior College and finally, the end of the day, a good A' levels will get me a good place in the local university. Till this date, I am still studying, studying has become more of a technique then a desire for knowledge. Some point in time, I have ceased to think for myself and I was in fact thinking for "my future" in the society's point of view.
This is by no means a fault of the society or education system, to push the blame of my failure to that would be totally irresponsible and silly of me. I find it's all about choices at the end of the day, we were warned when we were young that pursuing an arts education in Singapore would be useless, we were warned that the other paths other then the "straight path to success" would be difficult. BUT we are not stopped to go ahead with those options. Slowly I start to realize that the past 20 years or so I was too lazy or perhaps, too scared to decide on my own. I wanted to follow the crowd as much as possible and stay with the front of the pack as closely as possible. Which is why when the time has come where I can no longer "follow" and I need to decide for myself, I became lost and bewildered...
So was the meaning of my life so far something that I discovered or bestowed upon? The answer to me is quite obvious... and I need to start looking and searching now. I wonder sometimes if my fellow friends have thought of or found this meaning in their lives as well. They seemed to be already settled down and in full pursuit of the career of their choices. I do envy their success and the kind of salaries that they earn. But I am looking for something that is even bigger than that, something that brings me joy even if it doesn't pays me anything. It might take some time, but I have to walk down memory lane and start revisiting places that I used to enjoy and start to think... All the stuffs and the way I envisioned the world should lead me in finding it, like a movie line I recently watched in "Hugo", Dreams are made up of the materials of our day to day life, the stuff that matters or caught our interests builds up to form our meaning and passion sub-consciously.
I should leave this as it is from here, as it's time for me to dream again. A part of me have been awoken by this self-discovery, and I think it's just the tip of the iceberg. The real journey is still unplanned, undecided and full of surprises. To me, the real meaning of life is the discovery of self and to honor it by staying true to it. I might not be able to put it into exact words now, but someday, hopefully I can better explain this feeling.
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